This is SO frustrating.
I hate this feeling. Everything is so hard right now and i feel as though i have no one to really sit and listen to me. My parents don’t know how to deal with the fact that I’m gone and they keep constantly trying to come see me. Honestly, i do not want to see them especially because of how selfish they have been. They wanted me to go out and do everything for myself…. okay, consider it done. and by myself does not include you guys hovering over my every action and thought. And I feel as though the life i lead with guys is so emotionally damaging. There’s someone that I honestly like so much that it hurts me, and i know i should stay away from him because we have such a volatile relationship… but yet i cannot keep myself away from him. I met him in july and I knew i liked him the day we met. But i don’t know exactly how he even feels about me.. like we will be good and he seems really into me and what were doing and then he randomly will just ignore me.. Honestly? can you not deal with conflict so easily that you can’t just say whats on your mind? I’m sure he’s probably just fucking around with someone else for the time being. Which is whatever because he obviously isn’t my “property” so he can do what he wants. And i guess it is the same case scenario for me but to be honest, i dont want anyone else. I dont mean that to sound like i dont want anyone else but him but at the same time, no one has had the ability to pull me in and keep me there as quickly as he has, i don’t even know what exactly it is about him… Ah i dont even know. i hooked up with the most beautiful guy at a frat party last night.. but it isnt the same!! i just kept picturing his face while i was kissing someone else. I’m sure it isn’t like that for him because i found another girl’s ring in his bathroom last week. and he has the nerve to tell me it was his roommate’s? oh bullshit, if you’re going to lie to me at least lie to me about something legitimate. I honestly would not have been nearly as paranoid or pissed had he just told me the truth, and he is so adamant about telling the truth and yet he cant do the same when he’s placed in my shoes. Okay that’s cool its whatever. I saw my ex a couple nights ago, and we had a good conversation where we just kind of talked about one another’s lives. He got his mission call to honduras, which is good for him, i think he will make one hell of a missionary and although we had dated when he was as immmature as any guy can ever get, i really do envy whomever he ends up marrying. School is so stressful… I can’t even handle how much i have to study, it makes me want to punch a wall!! If i have to read one more word about chemistry, i think i will explode. I just have to keep constantly reminding myself why I’m here. Eventually one day, hopefully sooner or later my dreams will be fulfilled. I have a math midterm that i am so nervous for.. I hope i do well. The contents of the pre test were really easy so i think i have a good chance but I don’t know how my teacher will prepare the test. Writing is the easiest class for me.. It just comes so natural to me, grammar has always been something that i have never struggled in so its so natural for me to write. I love that class, its literally a sanctuary. But speaking of school, i should probably get back to studying so i will do that right now.
